Awhile back I shared that I was apart of the ColourArte Design Team... it has been so wonderful and I have enjoyed it so much. I have been sharing over on their blog. A couple of my projects were inspired by someone who was brought into my life and whom I loved very much. I have since found out that it was all a lie and a sick twisted game to get his ex back. Needless to say I was devastated and heartbroken.
In my studio I always find healing and creating is a release. So, that is where I turned. One of the projects I did for ColourArte was a layout, the first of what I thought would be many...
I poured my heart and feelings into this layout. Unlike his "feelings", mine were true and pure. I never thought I would love again and he showed me that I could and THAT is one reason why I cannot hate him.
But what the hell am I suppose to do with this layout? I sure as hell do not want it in my album... AT ALL! So, I took to my Art Journal.
Starting by covering the entire page in Radiant Gel by ColourArte.
I added a little more color using Silks in Pomegranate and some Greens:
Using inspiration from another project I did out of love for us, I drew hearts in the top left corner and the bottom left corner. Each heart is made up of shredded up notes. His is from a note he wrote me and mine is the journaling from the layout.
I then proceeded to rip up and tear the layout. There was something so therapeutic about this step... I was such a fool. I should of known better, but the red flags were covering my eyes. I have never been one to destroy and rip photos and memories, but I am so hurt, so completely hurt, that I ripped in half every photo I had of us. It was all a lie. When it came to this particular one, I slowly ripped it in half. Making sure I left myself in tact. I may be heartbroken, I may be sad, and I may be very hurt, BUT I am not broken. He never defined who I was and he did not complete me.
I took the pieces and slowly put them back together, but differently this time, with a whole new meaning.
I use to look at you and see the rest of my life, but now I look at you and just see a chapter in my life. A beautiful chapter because of all I learned, how much I grew, and finding my way back to my relationship with God... That is why it is beautiful, NOT BECAUSE OF YOU. It is now a chapter that is closed. One I will never re-read or open again. It is a chapter full of lies and deceitfulness.
...but I have the rest of my life in front of me. A life I will go out and live and be unapologetically me. A life that I pray you are not a part of at all. I have too much to offer and am worth far too much to give my heart to someone who's sole intent was to use it to gain back, and I quote, "a relationship that was always toxic." So, I have started my new chapter and am happy for the first time in weeks. Letting go took the weight of the world off my shoulders and I am holding on to God and my Faith to see me through.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14
The pole that is painted down the center is very significant. Based off a conversation that we had on my patio one day about God and Faith. The red string is from a Chinese Proverb:
The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical chord may stretch or tangle, but never break.
The red thread wrapped around the foundation of God... what a beautiful picture.
Have I mentioned what an absolute fool I was???
So here is the red thread, connected to my heart, and wrapped around the pole, and then cut. The other piece connected to his heart and just hanging.
So what is left of all the love I had for you mixed with all your lies is this:
Creating this page was definitely part of the healing process. I know only God and time will heal me. I will never understand how you were able to say and do the things you did when it was all a game to you. Some answers I am just not meant to have.... that is were I just have to trust God with all I have. As hurt as I am right now, I know that God saved me from becoming apart of your toxic cycle.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
I still pray for you. I still pray for C and your family. I can't help it, that is what I am being lead to do. I pray for me. That I can move on and I pray so hard that I do not allow anger and bitterness in my heart. I also pray that God will guide me so that I am never such a fool again and that I am able to recognize bullshit when it comes my way.
Creating heals. Don't be afraid to create art that is inspired by the difficult times, by the hard times, the times that break you.
I love you, my creative family. I pray for your happiness and inspiration and a life full of blessings.
Until next time... Happy Creating!